Much ado about everything
by TheKats
Summary: Some time later than now. She is married. He isn't. Neither of them is happy. At all.
1. Chapter 1

She stands by the window watching the snow slowly covering the city, looking at the cars crawling one right after the other and suddenly the nervous drivers, the horns and the fast driving maniacs are gone. The city gets quieter with every new snowflake and she thinks that any time soon it will fall in a deep cold slumber.

The living room, a wide big room, decorated with expensive furniture, a white piano and a huge Christmas three is too big for her and her broken dreams. Her husband isn't there. What sort of a person is absent on Christmas Eve? What sort of a person is chasing after money on a holiday when you he's supposed to be with his family, with his beautiful young wife, getting cozy by the big fireplace…If you are a Bass junior that is probably a normal behavior. Christmas never meant anything to him, except having another excuse to get drunk, go to wild parties and wake up in a bed with a terrible headache. And maybe a girl or two wrapped around him. Girls that would leave that bed before they can even realize where they have woken up.

The dining table is covered with food and Cristal is waiting to be opened. She knows he won't make it that night. As that thought passes through her head, her phone rings. He tells her, the flight is canceled because of a snow storm and he says he doesn't know when he'll come back. Tomorrow maybe, maybe for New Year's.

There are two options – she can either get drunk by herself, something she does awfully often lately, or she can go to bed…by herself. Something she does awfully often in the past almost a year.

In moments like that she thinks…No, she knows she made the worst possible choice in her life. Her brain screams that she was supposed to finish school, she was supposed to visit Saint Petersburg, alone, in winter. She was supposed to wear a fur hat and a muff, walking down the snowy streets of the city, raiding museums, Hermitage, admiring the luxurious palace, feeling a bit like Anna Karenina…live a little…

She smiles on that though.

"_**You like Anna Karenina?"**_

"_**Do I?"**_

"_**Well do you?"**_

"_**I hated her when I was younger…But…"**_

"_**But what?"**_

"_**I can relate now…"**_

She constructs a conversation in her head with an imaginary talker…who knows books. She knows who exactly that person might be, she just refuses to let her brain go there.

Blair is fully aware that she willingly pushed away the Vronsky in her life. All she has in that moment is an absent Karenin, her youth being trapped in a huge lonely penthouse and her intellect being forced to its minimum power – skims and fake smiles.

She decides to put on her night gown and goes to bed.

...

"B?!" – Serena screams joyfully on the other side of the phone. – "Merry Christmas!"

"Ah…" – Blair removes her sleeping mask trying to wake up a little, realizing it's 5 in the morning. – "Merry Christmas" – Blair says groggily.

"How drunk are you, B?" – Serena giggles.

"I was sleeping Serena. It's 5 in the morning here…" – She mumbles.

"Oh, I'm sorry for waking you up, B" – Blair can hear water splashing and people shouting and she is rolling her eyes. She isn't sure if she is judging Serena for having parties like a careless high schooler or because she envies her. She can hear Dan's deep voice in the background and a sharp cramp in her guts literally forces her to sit up in bed. – "We are having so much fun. I mean it's so hot in here…" – Her talk is interrupted by a giggle and Blair can swear she hears a kissing sound.

"Good for you Serena. Some of us are on the other side of the country, where it's cold and snowy." – She groans.

"What?" – Serena giggles. – "You and Chuck should come over. Hawaii is really the heaven on Earth and…" – Blair can hardly hear what else she says, because it's too loud and she hangs up.

She keeps sitting in bed with a terrible feeling. She knows perfectly well that again, once again she feels deadly jealous of Serena. Blair never was the girl who knew how to have fun. She was Serena's conscious and one of them had to be the adult. But no, the jealousy isn't because Serena is surrounded by people on a beach party and she is tucked in her bed alone in New York. It's totally not because of that...

….

She isn't sure if she does a smart move. Her alone in first class with a cup of tea in her hand waiting for the plane to take off and take her to Hawaii. What if Chuck comes back in meanwhile? What is she gonna do there with Serena? She didn't even pack proper summer clothes. She will get off the plane wearing long winter coat, gloves and a scarf. She will be so disgustingly pale among all those tanned people and Serena. She will look like a lame little girl with no curves…God, again, why is she doing this to herself? Going to the beach with Serena…She already feels nausea from the thought.

After long thirteen hours of flying across the country the plane finally lands on the island. It's so weirdly warm and the blue ocean opens her tired eyes. Serena screams her name and she spots her in the crowd. Tanned, her hair is even more golden, her smile is wider and Blair knows that it's not a result of her one week vacation on the island. Serena seems happy. She helps her put her suitcaces in her rented jeep convertible and takes her to the hotel.

"You can take off that coat B, people will laugh at you" – She giggles.

"I'm fine" – Blair says flatly.

"So, Chuck?"

"We are not gonna talk about him, ok?" – Blair says. Serena notices that the wedding ring isn't on her finger.

"You will rest nicely here, and I will make you forget all your troubles" – Serena smiles. Blair wishes her life was more like hers – all rainbows and butterflies and not a problem to worry about…well at least not more than half an hour.

….

"What is she doing here?" – Dan's eyes are getting wider, once he spots Blair checking in at the reception.

"I asked her to come over" – Serena says.

"Is she alone?" – Dan tries not to sound too curious or maybe even a bit happy.

"Yes, but don't mention it in front of her. She doesn't wear the ring and…Just act normal" – Serena drifts away as usual and starts another topic. – "While she takes rest from her flight, care to join me on the beach? We'll surf on the sunset and then the three of us will have dinner!" – She puts her arms around him and smiles. All he tries is not letting his eyes wander a bit to the right where a girl with not so perfect hair and a long winter coat is checking in the hotel.

"Me? Surfing?!"- He asks. – "You know I can hardly ride a bike…"

"Oh come on, you said no yesterday and the day before yesterday. Are you avoiding me, Dan Humphrey?" – She asks with a flirty tone. Anyone else would melt on her blinking dark lashes. Dan simply looks down and gently removes her arms from his shoulders.

"No, I just have to write and I'm not that much into the beach. I'll burn and…"

"The sun is almost set and you have like ten bottles of sunscreen creams…"- She can sense something, and he knows it.

"Maybe in the evening, after you are done surfing" – He says. The moment Serena looks out through the window, his eyes are rushing to look over her shoulder. She's not there. He only spots the back of her heels as she heads to the elevators. – "You should go and catch the sunset." – He says, like a typical hypocrite boyfriend. Serena goes for a kiss but he skillfully moves his head and they end up kissing each others faces. As soon a she is gone from the hotel lobby, he runs up stairs, jumping over two-three steps and gets to the first floor where he frantically presses the elevator button. He doesn't stay longer than a second and runs another story up and does the same thing. This time the doors open. She is behind the lift boy, too busy typing something on her phone. When the lift boy asks him which floor he goes, he doesn't know what say and just blurts out "The eighth". Several times he turns around but Blair is too focused on that goddamn phone and she has probably no idea that he is there. When the elevator stops on the sixth floor, the lift boy informs Blair and helps her with her bags.

"It's ok!" – Dan says and shoves a bill of 50$ in his hand. – "It's ok". – The guy makes a surprised face and mumbles a thank you, goes back in the elevator and doors are closing again.

Blair rolls her eyes and Dan pushes her suitcases to the end of the hallway where her room is.

"Another failed writer making money as a bell boy? Humphrey I'm not giving you a tip!" – She snaps as he opens the door from her room.

"What are you doing here?" – He asks.

"My friend invited me and I came over."

"Where is your husband?"

"As you can see he's not here!" She gets in her room and closes the door to the middle.

"So much from the happy ending?" –Dan asks, but there isn't irony or judgment in his voice.

"I'm not in the mood Humphrey. Gloat all you want, I still despise you." – She closes the door into his face. He stands there for few moments like an idiot and then rushes to his room and starts typing.

….

It's twilight when he goes to the beach around nine. There is no sign of Serena and he doesn't even bother to look for her. He sits on the sand and stares at the dark water. The sound of the waves is helping him calm the voices in his head and the disturbing feeling that he shouldn't be there with Serena and her new friends, among the tanned people with great bodies whose taste in literature and movies means reading sugary 100 page novels or watch semi-scary movies with vampires and lifeless mortal girls.

He can feel her still living inside of him. He narrows his eyes and gives arrogant comments when he hears stupidity coming out of these people's mouths. "Be nice" is all Serena has to say.

"You are fucking glowing in the night, Humphrey" – She says and collapses next to him, crossing her legs in a so not lady like and not Blair like manner.

"And you smell like Whiskey"- He says.

"So?"

"And how am I glowing?"- He asks.

"You are so goddamn pale, I can tell you are from New York" – She is serious.

"Yeah…you too"

"Hey…I just heard that song from them…" – She starts to hum a melody – "..._Ooh, ooh the sweetest thing..._"

"You sound terrible and I didn't mean the band."

"I know what you meant Brooklyn" – She snaps sharply. – "Do you like it here?" – She asks.

"Yeah, it's nice and warm and calm and…"

"Humphrey!" – She cuts him and he stops. – "It's terrible and you don't have to pretend. How can a book worm and a pretentious little intellectual snob like you enjoy the sun and the beach parties? I can only assume what the rich bastards from California that use "like" and "totally" after every word, are causing to your brain." – He smiles in disbelief and looks away.

"Yeah, you're right"- He sighs. – "In a weird masochistic way, I like that you're here."

"Did she notice?" –She skips a comment on his last sentence.

"Kind of..."

"God, you are such an idiot."- She giggles.

"I won't ask why…"

"I'll say it anyway, you know that" – She cleans her throat. - "First of all. I don't care how much of your inner high school brat is craving Serena, you and her will always be two different worlds. Second of all. If you tell me that you didn't have at least one judgmental thought about all this…" – she points to the beach and the hotels in the back – "…I will punch your stupid face. And third…" – He just bites his lips and smiles. – "…I know it's motherfucking Serena van der Woodsen we talk about, but you were in lov….cared about me till like a month ago" – She stops and takes a little Whiskey bottle from her purse and drinks it.

"Who says I'm not…don't care about you now?"

"I gotta go" – She tries to stand on her feet, holding her hand on his shoulder, trying to keep her balance.

"You know everything I told you was true. Where is he now? Dubai? Tokyo?"

"He might be at home as well…" – She replies from few steps afar. – "It's none of your business. Where is your precious blond?" – She comes back to him and kneels besides him. – "I'm here to rest. Not to be bothered with questions or philosophical conversations. To rest! And I don't care if you still care about me. You will always be disgusting for me. I loved Nate, but once Serena touches someone I care about, he becomes the filthiest piece of shit for life." – She lifts and leaves him.

He remains sitting there with her words floating in his head. Serena doesn't show up. He still doesn't try to find her. Around ten he goes back to the hotel bar and drinks everything that comes to the bartender's hand. At midnight he is in the elevator pressing drunkenly the button 6. It seems like the elevator is miles away from her room. He knocks and knocks on it but nobody opens it.

"You sleep in hallways now, Humphrey?" – She nudges him with her foot. He opens his eyes are realizes he fell asleep in front of her hotel room door.

"Where were you?" – He asks barely connecting the words.

"Out. I drank" – She says and sits next to him.

"Me too"- He smiles. – "We have so much in common."

"I think we defined that crap. You and I have nothing in common, remember?"

"No, you and I have everything in common. You are pale, I'm pale. You're judgmental, I'm judgmental. You're a bitch, I'm a bitch."

"You love Serena, I love Serena" – She giggles.

"No, no, no…I don't love Serena. I love Blair. Waldorf." – He bursts in laughter. – "But you don't love Blair. Waldorf. If you did, you'd have never ran after Fuck Bass" – At first she gives him a stinky eye and then they both burst into hysterical laugh.

"Fuck Bass" – She giggles a bit louder than she should. – "You are an idiot Dan"

"Dan?" – He gets serious the same second.

"Randolph then? It is more suitable to be in a same sentence with "idiot", don't you think?" – She keeps giggling. He just stares at her with his glossy big brown eyes and with every blink her laugh fades away.

"I can't remember when was the last time I saw you smiling"

"I smiled back then…" – She says and looks away.

They keep sitting in front of her door, her staring down the hall and him blinking heavily until his head drops on her shoulder.

"Ew, creature! You're breaking my arm" – She nudges and his head falls on her chest and then in her lap. He moves a bit to adjust his body and doesn't move away.

"You know, Serena has a new best friend here. Melody. " – He starts. – "Are you rolling your eyes?" – He asks.

"Of course I do" – She smiles and runs her fingers into the mess of his curls. – "What about Melody?"

"Her skin is orange from fake tanning and I swear I heard her recommending a book to Serena." – He says.

"Should I prepare for the title?" – Blair asks.

"Inside" – He sighs. – "Do you know what she said, and I quote: "This idiot Dylan, goes after some ugly semi-smart self proclaimed intellectual, when he has a gorgeous blond in front of him. The writer is so gay and doesn't understand women."

"Do you think I should be insulted by a fake tanned female who actually likes your post adolescent diary?"

"No. When Serena heard that she instantly liked her. I don't know if I should thank her for taking Serena away so I can be…"

"Grumpy and moody and annoying?" – Blair finishes for him.

"Yes."

A concierge walks their way and asks them to get in their room, apparently other guests complained on their loud conversation and laughing. With every atom he tries to get on his feet. She is already standing in front of the door.

"I…am…not…happy!" – He pokes her shoulder with every word he pronounces. – "I am…not…happy at all…"

"Maybe you should kill yourself?" – She smiles with semi closed drunken eyes.

"Maybe _you_ should. Because you aren't either..." – He replies and Blair sighs and rolls her eyes.

"Go to your room, you poor creature. Make love to your Barbie, it'll pass you till tomorrow!" – She tries to close the door but he puts his hand on it and leans in.

"You were, you are and you will remain a bitch." – He whispers.

"Thanks"- She whispers with a smile on her face, trying to close the door again.

"But I'm still in love with you. And…"

"Good Humphrey, now move away so I can close the door"- She pushes him and closes the door again.

A minute later she opens it and he is still there.

"Why?" – She asks.

"Because you just don't fall out of love with Blair Waldorf."

"No shit?"

"No." – He answers. – "I don't want my life to be like this. I want you. You!" – He pokes he shoulder again and she doesn't try to close the door this time.

"What if I don't want you?"- She asks.

"Are you happy with Chuck?"

"In a way"

"There are no ways, Blair. You either are or you aren't. Do you go to the movies? Is he interested to hear your long monologues about how annoying Bukowski was? Does he admire your intellectual side of the brain, or he buys your silence with diamonds or kisses whenever you want to tell him about an exhibition or a hipster movie theater where you can watch film noir?"

Blair slaps him and he closes his eyes.

"You are a scumbag Humphrey!"

"And you are not happy! Say it!" – He replies holding the place where her little palm leaved rosy print. She squeezes her lips trying to shut her words coming out of them. – "Say it! Your eyes are sadder than ever. You look miserable just as me! You…"

"I'M NOT HAPPY!" – She practically screams. Her words are sobering up them both. He steps closer, cups her face and rests his forehead on hers. They breathe in synch as she puts her hands over his. – "I'm really not happy at all" – She whispers again.

"Me too"- He replies. He doesn't do anything, just presses his forehead on hers, eyes closed, both holding on each other.

"I can not believe this!" – Serena's voice awakes them from the trance.

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

At first none of them turns to face Serena. They stay frozen in the same position as she stares at them. Blair opens her eyes first and looks into his face. He doesn't seem concerned or disturbed. She isn't sure if Dan is actually there, because his face is so calm and there is no sign he'll "come" back any time soon. When Serena cleans her throat, Dan finally opens his eyes. Blair jerks her body to move away, but his hands are strong and he doesn't let her go.

"I can not believe this"- Serena says and leaves.

"Why?"- Blair asks when he steps back.

"Because there is nothing embarrassing here for you to go and explain to her. And I'm too tired of explaining, more drama, more whys and accusations."

"I feel bad. She invited me and look…"

"We didn't do anything. If resting foreheads on each other is a sin, then I'm a saint" – He giggles.

"Why are you acting like this?" – Blair asks with serious face.

"Because I'm finally free to do what I want." – She still stays by the wall as he steps back and gets more distant. – "I'm not afraid. I've been holding on, keeping secrets, not talking about things for so long. She knows. She knows everything, yet she would rather pretend that we are perfect together."

"If I can recall, you told her you always loved her!"

"I did. I care about Serena. I can be attracted to her at night, but…I can't see myself with her. All I can see is something short term…then your face appears." – Blair is afraid of his self-esteem and the fact that he never sounded so sure about anything in his life.

"I really need to talk to her" – She leaves the room and goes to Serena's.

….

Serena's sitting on the balcony, resting her long legs on the fence. The wind is waving her summer dress and her long hair and Blair thinks that she looks like an angel.

"We didn't do anything"- Blair approaches.

"I know" – Serena responds. – "You're married and you hate him…" – When she says it Blair thinks of Chuck for the first time that day. The second part of the sentence makes her shake her head, but Serena doesn't see that.

"I just told him…"

"What?" – Serena looks at her. – "To leave you alone? That you wouldn't cheat on your husband? Especially not with someone from Brooklyn?"- Blair can sense irony in her voice.

"No. I told him that I am not happy. He made me say it. I'm in denial as usual" – She bites her lips as a punishment to her words. One full year she is Mrs. Chuck Bass and she was refusing to accept the fact that she is anything but happy. Even her mother suggested her to fill for divorce. – "I'm not here to ruin your happiness, S. I hated you many times when you wronged me, but this time we are on the right foot. I don't want you to think that I came here to mingle with Humphrey." – She smiles but she knows Serena doesn't buy her words.

"Once you said there won't be kissing. Then you two ended up in a relationship." – She looks away to the ocean in front of them. – "Blair, you were blind when was about him for such a long time. I knew that he was in love with you before you even considered to call him your friend. Even now, I can't sleep at night, knowing that he has his hand over my waist, imagining it's you. "

"That's nonsense. We were together for few months, nobody can fall in love for such a short time" – Blair tries to comfort her. Serena looks at her and with the most serious face she continues.

"Dan was in love with you since forever. If you analyze that silly schoolboy behavior when you two hated each other…" – She sighs. – "He was always pointing out that he admired smart people, people who read, who fight for what they want, people who know books and movies…That is not me B!" – Blair has nothing to say. – "It was always you. And in a sick weird way, I was trying so much to be you. To read your books…although I'd have fallen asleep in the middle, to watch your movies that were boring and old…No matter what he says, that I was looking up on him, like he was the poor kid…maybe I really did…He would never forgive me that, but when comes to you, he will remain hungry for your insults. You can call him anything you want, he'll just smile and look at you in disbelief, but he'll never ever walk away. He'd even give you another reason for you to think of some sharp witty insult. If that's not a clue, I don't know what is." – Blair sits like a statue next to her friend desperately searching for words to deny everything she says, to comfort her, to tell her that she is delusional…- "And you…"- Serena looks at her this time with teary eyes. – "You can stick to Chuck forever, finding excuses, be picky when comes to other men, compare them to Chuck, deny that you can never feel anything similar to the love and passion you have for Chuck, but... Yes, you love Chuck, but you want to have with him what you had with Dan…which means…" – She stands up and leaves Blair alone on the balcony.

…

She sits there alone. She doesn't think. She just sits there, stares at the ocean, feels the breeze and hears the waves. But she doesn't think. When she walks back into the room, Serena is already asleep. She pulls a sheet over her waist and leaves her. Dan is nowhere to be found.

As she was guessing, she finds him in her bed, lying with face down, limbs across the entire bed. She turns on the lights.

"What are you still doing here?" – She asks and her tone isn't friendly. – "I think you can still recall that I absolutely hate when people sit on my bed with their dirty clothes on. And no, this isn't any invitation. Just get out" – She snaps. He moves aside and smiles to her. No smirking or smug face, just a sweet smile.

"Can I sleep over?"

"No!"- She says matter-of-factly.

"Please?"

"You have room upstairs, a sofa, if you don't want to sleep next to Serena. But here, no!" – He gets up from the bed and walks to her, wraps his arms around her neck and she inhales his familiar scent. He does smell good.

"I'm married Humphrey, and that girl upstairs is really sad."

"Why are you pointing out facts?" – He says dryly. – "I don't owe anything to Serena. I was a scumbag to her, I apologized, we tried and failed again. I can't do this anymore. And for your relationship status…You were engaged, pregnant and married to another man…You even asked, although you refused to hear my answers if that mind me… Again, I'm not asking anything from you. I just don't mind whatever you do or who you are with, if you are with a child..." – Blair isn't sure if she is dreaming his words. One thing she just hopes for is not to wake up in the snowy New York, with Chuck Bass next to her. Dan breaks the hug and looks at her "I'll be damned for saying this, but my father waited for Lily for twenty years." – He looks deep into her eyes and Blair can feel a bone in her throat. – "You still have me." – He says quietly. He kisses her forehead and leaves the room. Compared to her lonely one year marriage, the loneliness she feels when he leaves is absolutely nothing. She takes a sleeping pill and crawls in her bed.

tbc


	3. Chapter 3

He has his breakfast on the balcony of the hotel dining room, with black sunglasses on, even though it's a cloudy day. Serena spots him and without a "good morning" or a kiss as she used to do just a day before, she sits next to him. He doesn't say anything also.

"So…" – Serena starts after a while. – "I guess you don't have to answer, but where were you last night?" – He takes a sip from his coffee and calmly replies.

"On the beach. I was laying on a deckchair, observing the sky…It will rain."

"Really?"- She asks a bit sarcastically.

"I might be a scumbag, but I didn't spend the night with her."

"I don't care if you did." – She sighs.

"Good. Because you and I both know perfectly well why we are forcing this…thing"

"Actually I don't" – Serena says. – "I'm here because I really care about you. And you are here, apparently because, I don't know…Well till yesterday, I could have sworn Blair started fading away from your head and heart."

"You don't love me Serena." – He replies.

"Will you take off those sunglasses, it's not even sunny!" – She snaps.

"You want to pretend. I thought Blair had warped logic but this…You and I are so done…You just can't stand to be alone. I guess I kind of got into that phase too, you know…after Blair and Chuck…"

"I can not even forget the stupid reaction you had when she told us…" – Serena looks away.

"You knew the terms Serena. I rushed and made mistakes, tried to force myself to think that I could, but…I can't be with you."

"Of course you can" – She says calmly. – "But you don't want to. And after this, I'm not sure either. I'm not even jealous. I'm just sad." – The waiter brings her the usual breakfast she has for the entire week they are there. She takes the fork and leaves it lifelessly.

"You're right" – He agrees.

"I saw your face yesterday, when she arrived, and I knew it. I thought…He's with me just to be near her. And he'll wait, he'll lurk till the time is right. After all Rufus is your father."

Dan doesn't say anything after that. He lets her words sink in and keeps drinking his coffee calmly as the clouds are getting darker and heavier and the breeze slowly turns into a wind.

…

He spots Blair walking down the beach, holding her long summer dress in one and her sandals in another hand. She has braided her hair and has a deep green silky scarf tied on the top of her head. He observes her for a moment. Everything on her is perfect. The brown dress made from a very delicate material, her scarf, her braid, her aristocratic white skin. She lost weight he thinks, noticing her collar bones sticking out. He stands up from the table on the terrace and walks down the stairs that lead to the beach. Blair is sitting on the deckchair, and even though the sun is nowhere to be seen, she applies a sunscreen.

"You can never be too careful" – He says with a smile. She doesn't respond, just finishes applying the sunscreen, puts on her big Audrey style vintage brown sunglasses and rests her back on the prop of the deckchair. – "I'm sorry about last night." – He continues. – "It's just…You know already." – He stutters. Still no reaction. Her face is deadly serious, she seems as she didn't even hear him. – "You know, Serena said that I am with her so I can be near you. And although it sounds pathetic it might be somewhat true. I know everything is over now…" – He lets himself sit by her feet and she doesn't even move to make spot for him. He thinks it's a good sign. He knows that when Blair is pissed she would make him feel like the ultimate piece of crap. She keeps ignoring him. He sits there by her, staring to the sand and the sea shells in front of him. After a long pause and no other sound but the waves, Blair opens her mouth.

"I'm not the one you should apologize to" – He turns towards her. – "If I were Serena, I'd made you suffer for this. I'd thrown your luggage out of the window, or slapped you…"

"Why didn't you do that to your husband?" - He can see her rolling her eyes underneath the sunglasses.

"I was just waiting for you to bring that up!" – She signs, and the awaited sassy line is missing. - "There are some situations where even Blair Waldorf acts like a sissy."

"Wow. You…said sissy" – He smiles. She doesn't.

"I said what you wanted to hear last night. You were right about many things, now can you please give me a break" – She raises her voice.

"I'm sorry." – He stands up from the deckchair.

"Where are you going?" – She asks.

"Well I annoy you apparently, so…"

"Yeah…Go and apologize to Serena for last night" – She adds with a slightly commanding tone as she used to make him do things against his will.

"Oh yeah about that…" – He says. – "Don't tell me what to do! And for once stop trying to fix me and Serena up. It doesn't work for years, it didn't work that Valentine's Day and for sure it won't work now" – And he leaves her with awoken butterflies in her stomach when she remembers _that_ Valentine's Day.

…

The three of them are spending the day in different parts of the resort. Blair sits at the beach alone, with few older people who read and enjoy the wind and the clouds. Dan gets a new room, where he idles on the balcony, reading a newspaper and Serena goes to the town with her new friends and buys tones of clothes she doesn't need.

In the evening Blair prepares herself to get downstairs when she opens the door and Chuck is standing in front of her.

"What are you doing, Blair?" – He asks with quiet but sharp tone.

…

Dan has his second coffee that evening forcing himself to drink it, feeling scared that if he falls asleep he might miss things, like Blair leaving the hotel. He sits alone in the corner, while outside the rain finally started pouring. Serena arrives, wearing new dress, yellow one that makes a beautiful contrast with her tanned skin and her blond hair. She truly is a vision and everyone in the dining room is staring at her. Dan keeps his eyes on the cup of coffee.

"Hey" – She smiles radiantly as she sits down. – "Where's Blair?" –She asks. Dan shrugs. – "Oh…" – Serena doesn't lose the annoying forced smile. – "I thought you moved to her room"

"I didn't" – Dan mumbles.

"Interesting" – She smiles and orders a glass of white wine when the waiter comes to their table.

They keep sitting in silence, when Blair and Chuck show at the double door, Blair resting her hand over his forearm. Serena smiles victoriously and Dan's jaw slightly drops.

"That face" – Serena says, as they are both observing the couple sitting down on a table on the other side of the room.

"What?" –Dan asks, pushing the coffee aside.

"Your jaw dropped again. You seem surprised when you really shouldn't" – She says.

"I will always be! She's smart and intuitive and has the sharpest mind and she knows that this is a bad choice, yet…"

"Yet what, Dan? What makes you think that you are a better man than Chuck? You also cheated, schemed, lied…" – He listens partially and focuses on Blair.

…

"So you decided to just come over, Hawaii? Blair you hate the beach, unless it's the Hapmtons or South France." – Chuck mumbles, when the waiter serves them sea fruits and wine. Blair doesn't even pick the fork.

"I'm so tired" – She says quietly. – "Did you get the documents?" – She asks.

"I will not sign that. What's got into you Blair?"

"I'm not happy" – She simply says.

"How can you not be happy? Is this because I didn't make it coming home for Christmas Eve?" – He asks with a cynical voice.

"I am too young to be married, Chuck. Not until the other day, I realized this. I have missed so many things I wanted to do. My life turned into a rush. I jumped from one bad marriage to another in less than couple of years. I'm tired. I need some alone time" – She says.

"I am giving you some alone time…" Chuck bites his tongue the moment he says that. – "You need more time with me" – He tries to fix the damage.

"I need to keep defining myself, Chuck. I've become what my mother and I always despised. A wifey. Yes, I do work but it's not what I wanted for myself."

"Let's go, a private jet is waiting for us…" – Chuck says as he finishes his glass of wine, irritating her even more because he doesn't even care what she says.

"As we speak, Dorota is taking my things from our penthouse. Even if I go back to New York now, I'm going home. My home"

…

"You thought, that she came here, a bit sad because the love of her life missed a plane to come home for Christmas and that bam…she'd jump into your arms" – Serena giggles, slightly tipsy.

"No, it's Blair we're talking about. She doesn't jump!" – He points out. - "The only one she'd do that for would be that creature over there, but…"

"Wake up, Dan!" – Serena says a bit louder and an older couple near them looks at her.

"You know what? If I were you, I'd rather die than to be with someone like me." – He shuts her up and she knows exactly what he means. They both know that Blair will always be there even when she won't.

…

"Serena told me, you were groping with Humphrey the other night, is that true?" – He asks with a face so well known, a face that says more than any humiliating word.

"I don't understand where this goes" – She looks away.

"It's cheating Blair. If I sign those papers, I might destroy you and you will get nothing"

"Do I actually have anything now?" – She replies with a sassy tone. – "We _hugged_, as old friends."

"I don't think it was a friendly hug" – Chuck says. – "That Humphreak never got over you. And it would be really mean even from you, to give him false hope."

Blair stares into her husband's eyes and in that second she can not believe that she said yes to him. She realizes that all she really wants is to be free, Chuck free, her old self free, just free.

"After all, you know that if you go and sleep with him now, get delusional again that you and him might work because you like the same crap, sooner or later he'd sleep with your friend. It's who he is. It's who she is. It will always be that way. I'm the only one who will prefer you over Serena till the day I die" – He says that with convincing voice which causes the worst nausea in Blair's guts and she stands up and heads to the bathroom.

…

"Are you ok?" – Serena asks her, when she gets out of the cabin.

"Yes, I think their bottled water damaged my stomach" – She says. – "Why did you tell Chuck, where I was?" – Blair asks as she washes her mouth.

"I was worried about you" –Serena says and pets her face.

"And Dan and I groped? Really?"

"Blair, please" – Serena says quietly. – "If you ever cared about Chuck…if you ever cared about me…Please, please don't stay here." – Blair looks at her incredulously. – "If he is not seeing you, he'll forget about you. We may never work things out, but…You love Chuck and I don't think I'll be able to see you and Dan together again."

"Wow" – Blair blinks fast not believing how easily Serena said those words. – "I knew you were selfish…Would you do this if I have asked you the same when we were kids, and you stole Nate from me?" Serena makes one of her innocent faces and Blair already knows that the double standards were reserved for the blond since the day she was born. – "And what if I don't leave? What if I can't help you this time, Serena? What if I actually want to be with Dan?" - She feels nauseated again and walks into the cabin and vomits.

…

A knock on her door around three in the morning wakes her up from a bad dream.

"Thank god, I thought you left" – He smiles, trying to steady his breathing.

"It's three AM, I was asleep" – She says.

"Is Chuck here?" – He asks.

"What do you want Dan?"

"Please tell me you aren't going back home with him?" – The circles under his eyes make him look even more vulnerable than she remembers and the tone in his voice, the tiny hope that was making his tone always soothing and pleasant for the ears stabs her ears and her heart.

"Dan" – She ties the belt from her silky robe around her tiny waist. – "He's my husband. I don't know what you expected but…It was a tiny crises and I will try to save my marriage." – She says quietly. His eyes are glued on the floor and he's afraid that if he lifts them and looks at her, he might actually start crying.

"I understand" – He mumbles. – "I'm sorry for bothering you…"

And when she blinks he's gone. Her phone rings and it makes her unglue from the doorstep.

"Yes?" – She says quietly.

"_I signed it"_ – Chuck says on the other side. – "_You're free"_

She should be happy because the heavy burden from her chest is gone, but suddenly a new one replaces it. She knows perfectly well that Serena would never ever do such a thing for her. As a matter of fact she would do the complete opposite, as she always did. But even now when she has her chance, she can't and won't do the same thing.

She turns off the lights as she feels the tears coming and with her last atoms of strength and will she refuses to call Dan. The following day there is no sigh of Dan and Serena in the resort. The concierge tells her they both checked out early in the morning.

tbc


	4. Chapter 4

Blair spends two more days in the resort hoping she'll find her peace, but instead she struggles to hold her tears the whole time. She checks out and flies back to New York, to her old home, where Dorota waits for her.

….

Almost a year passes and Dan is completely out of touch with the city and his friends and his old life. He spends most of the year in a small village upstate, where he rents a cottage and uses his time to write his new book. He laughs at himself, because the whole thing looks a lot like The Secret Window, except he's not Johnny Depp and he's still (thank God) sane. His life there is calm and quiet and he lives on his money from the sold copies of Inside. Meanwhile he writes short stories for several local newspapers, signing himself as Anonymous.

At first he spends the time practically not going out from his cottage at all. He has no will to meet new people or even chat with them and the only contact he has are Rufus and Jenny. He changes his number and literally he has only his dad and sister in his phonebook. It's silly, he thinks, because he still remembers her cell phone number by heart. If I lived once like this, I can do it again, he thinks, inventing entire parallel universe in the new book he writes. He focuses on it and the short stories and he doesn't even pretend that the storyline is about Blair and…well himself.

The day starts as usual. He wakes up around eight, has a shower, drinks coffee on the porch with a view on a small lake, goes to the local store, buys food and newspaper and goes back home. He has another brilliant idea for a short story, when a black jeep starts driving slowly by his side and pushes it away from his head. The window slowly opens and it's Serena.

"What are you doing here?" – He asks with unwelcoming voice. She smiles at him, she seems so refreshed and tanned and kind of matured. The car doesn't stop and follows him to the cottage. She says something to the driver and he leaves her there.

"I had to see you. Don't be such a caveman." – She hugs him but he stays stiffed.

"I told my father precisely not to tell anyone about this address, what do you want?" –He asks.

"To see you, Dan. Can I come in?" –She smiles and before he can answer she presses a light kiss on his cheek.

He puts coffee and croissants on the table and Serena starts babbling how she spent the most adventurous year in her life, backpacking around South America with the people she met on Hawaii, how much she learned about life, surviving and growing up, and that she met the love of her life.

"Another love of your life?" – Dan says sarcastically, but she decides not to acknowledge it.

"How are you, and the important question is, why on earth are you in the middle of nowhere?" – She takes a sip from the coffee and Dan looks into his hands holding the cup of coffee. – "Don't…don't tell me…still?!" – Serena asks.

"Look, I don't have to explain anything. I found my peace here, I am writing a book, and I didn't want anything or anyone to influent my mood for writing, or certain events to change the storyline."

"You don't know, do you?" – Serena says wryly.

"What?" – Dan asks confused although he knows it has something to do with Blair.

"Promise you won't hate me?" – Serena smiles like a little girl, knowing that once he was weak on that smile.

"Just say it Serena" – Dan says flatly.

"She's in Paris." – Serena says matter-of-factly.

"So?"- Dan still stares into his cup of coffee.

"Divorced." – Sharp stab into his stomach makes him close his eyes. – "For almost a year…" – Serena says with fear. That's when he opens his eyes and looks at her.

"A year?!" – He asks with disbelief. – "What you mean, for almost a year?"

"Chuck and Blair officially got divorced this spring. When he came to Hawaii to take her back, she already had sent him the papers. And when he flew back home, he signed them. And…" – Dan starts shaking his head in disbelief and the anger starts growing inside him.

"Why nobody told me this?" – He asks and he can hardly control the normal tone of his voice. – "Why am I staying here, in this fucking village, in the middle of fucking nowhere…" – He stops and lowers his voice. – "I get it though…she doesn't want anything with me…" – Serena is a bit afraid of his reaction and stays quiet for a while.

"Dan…" – She puts her hand over his. – "Please don't hate me"- She practically begs. He looks at her, and it's the first time she sees him with wet eyes.

"You didn't!" – He says. – "Tell me you didn't Serena?" – He repeats louder. When she starts crying he explodes and stands up violently from the chair. – "Why the fuck are _you_ crying?" – He yells at her. He never raised a tone to a girl (if he doesn't count that infamous running away with Blair, when they argued in the hotel room).

"I panicked. I thought…" – She sobs.

"No, you weren't thinking Serena! Your initial selfish urge to take things away from her made you do it. God, I can't believe this!" – His tone doesn't go down and Serena thinks she deafenes from his yelling. His blood is pulsing on the sides of his head, so he pushes the door angrily with his foot and goes out on the porch. She goes after him, still sobbing and tries to touch his shoulder but he steps away with disgust. – "Now tell me everything!" – He says not even looking at her.

"I asked her to leave the resort…not to tell you anything, or try to be with you again, because…" - She sniffs. – "I asked her not to, because I couldn't take to see you two again…"

"And once you made sure you fucked up our lives, you packed your things, went hiking in South America and joyfully got yourself a new boy toy" – In another circumstances Serena would slap him, but she stays quiet and stiffed next to him, instead. – "What is she doing in Paris?" – Dan asks.

"I don't know..."

"Working, studying, what?"

"She moved there probably six or seven months ago, as Dorota says and…she wasn't well." – Dan finally turns to face her.

"What that means?" – He asks.

"Few weeks ago Harold bought a ticket for Dorota to go over there, because Blair was constantly depressed, she wasn't going anywhere, practically ate nothing or when she did, she was vomiting on purpose…Since Eleanor was in Moscow, promoting her new line, he thought…who else could help Blair, but Dorota" – Dan sighs as she speaks.

"When exactly you planned to tell me?" – He asks with the most disgusted face Serena ever witnessed.

"I had no idea, Dan" – He knows that she lies.

"I asked you something!" – He says.

"As long as you two were apart… I'm so sorry, Dan" – She starts crying again. – "Then I forgot about the whole thing when I went on my trip and…"

"YOU FORGOT?!" – Dan asks the question even louder. – "Of course you did. There is nothing permanent in your life, not even the love towards Blair. Do you know what selflessness is?" – He asks her. – "Of course you don't!" – He chuckles nervously. – "It's, when you care about a person you'd do your best to make them happy even if it kills you!" – He walks inside the cottage and starts packing his things.

"Where are you going?" – She asks confused.

"Where exactly do you think I'm going?" – He doesn't bother to even look at her.

"You can't, Dan. You don't even know the address in Paris and…"

"Watch me!" – He says with stiffed jaw.

…

"Mister Dan?"- Dorota answers the phone, and he can tell her voice is worried. – "This isn't the best time" – The woman says.

"Wait, wait, Dorota!" – Dan practically yells. – "I need the address in Paris. Please?" – Dorota is silent for a while, hesitating to tell him.

"What would you do here?"- She asks. – "Miss Blair is not good, she needs to rest and I don't think…"

"I need to see her, Dorota. I have to see her." – The woman sighs loudly and gives him the address. When she hangs up, she goes to check up on Blair. She sleeps curled up with a comforter in bed in the guest room of her dad and Roman's penthouse. It's not even noon and she looks exhausted and even skinnier than the previous day. Her father got the best doctors for her, but not particular reason was found, except her throwing up on purpose. One of them suggested a psychiatrist and after two sessions he told her father that the girl had a post traumatic stress, rushing with two marriages at such an early age and forced maturing. He suggested him to let her take her time to mourn her two divorces and the baby loss. Roman was trying to cheer her up, but all she wanted to was staying home and watching movies. "Sabrina" is paused on her lap top and Dorota already knows where the pain comes from.

….

Dan buys one way ticket to Paris the same day and at noon, New York time, he is already in his seat in the plane. After almost eight hours of long flight, he gets out of the plane on Orly and he has a terrible jet lag and it's killing his head. The first cab that parks in front of him, after he takes his bags and finishes the passport check, takes him to the address Dorota told him. It's his first time in Paris and he laughs in pain how much he doesn't care where he is at the moment. The city is marvelous though, he stares through the window and the stores are starting to get their Christmas look, the Tower is magnificent and the tourist boats are sailing down Seine. They pass by a Chanel store and a bitter smile spreads on his lips. The driver tries to talk to him in French but he can hardly understand anything. He can already hear her voice in his head, saying sharply something like "_Follow my lead Humphrey, I know Paris better like my pocket. Don't act like a typical tourist! We for sure are not going to wait in a line with the sweaty tourists to climb on the top of the Eiffel Tower, instead I'm taking you to Jardin du Luxembourg on** my spot**, and I got books already. You're welcome!_".

The car stops in front of the building and he pays the driver. The building is an old Parisian one, exudes aristocracy and class. He calls Dorota and she opens the front door for him. There is no elevator, because there are only four stories and he already likes the place. Harold opens the door for him and welcomes him in.

"I was wondering when you'll show up" – He smiles and gives him a warm hug. – "I didn't tell her you were coming, I wanted to surprise her. I think she still sleeps, but I should warn you, she really isn't well."

Dorota takes him down the hall of the classically decorated penthouse, almost museum like. She opens one of the tall double doors and lets him inside. The street lights and the peak of the enlightened Eiffel Tower are illuminating her room. He doesn't know if it's the lights or if she really is that pale and exhausted. Still, she looks beautiful. A bit skinnier than a year before, but beautiful. The big royal baldachin bed makes it look like a Disney movie scene and he takes the courage to walk closer to the bed. When he stands beside the bed, Blair still doesn't wake up. Her left hand rests next to her face and there is no ring on it. He is stiffed, unable to move or speak, and all of it looks surreal. Maybe it's the jetlag, the fact that he hasn't slept properly in the past night, but he knows it's because he thought he'll never see her again. Not like this, not in Paris. He sits on the bed next to her and very gently strokes her hair off her face. It is still soft and gentle as it used to be. She still doesn't wake up, she just adjusts her head deeper into the pillow. The second time he strokes her cheek with the tips of his fingers she tiredly opens her eyes. It's too dark for her to realize at first who is touching her face, and they stare into each other faces longer than necessary.

"Dan?" – She barely has voice.

"Hi" – He smiles and is silently grateful because the lights are off, so she can't see his tears.

"Dan?" – She says again with a smile. He leans in and kisses her forehead.

"I'm here"- He whispers.

"Will you stay?" – She whispers too.

"If you want me to" – He kisses her forehead again.

"Mhm" – She mumbles and falls asleep again.

tbc


	5. Chapter 5

He watches her sleep for a while, still sitting above her. She looks different. Her face seems smaller, her eyes seem hollow and the circles under them are unusually noticeable.

He knows the uncomfortable feeling when someone is staring at you while you sleep, but he just can't unglue his eyes from her face.

When he wakes up, he realizes he fall asleep next to her knees and he almost jumps out of the bed, knowing that she hates when people are even close to her bed in their daily outfit. Not to mention that he spent half a day in a plane.

It's almost eight and Blair is in a deep slumber. He decides to get out of her room and talk to her father and Dorota.

…

"Eleanor said that she needed a break. I thought, what would be better for my Blair than Paris. But this time even the city isn't helping her." – Harold says as he puts a cup of hot coffee in front of him.

"Miss Blair is strong" – Dorota mumbles as she nervously brings them breakfast, although Harold insist for her to stop acting like a maid in his home. When Dorota goes back to the kitchen, Harold brings his chair closer to Dan.

"I would have called you earlier. Dorota told me about you and Blair, and I thought that she needed a real friend. Eleanor wanted to send Serena over, but to be honest I think she was always a bad influence for Blair."

Dan just nods, wordless, blinking tiredly.

"The thing is. I know you aren't here just, you know…to see Paris and to bother her for a few days and leave. So please, do your best. I can't see Blair like this any longer."

"I don't know what exactly…" – Dan starts.

"I'm sure you have your ways." – Harold smiles at him.

….

It's almost eleven, when Dan takes a tray with fruit salad and peach juice and goes to Blair's room. He puts the tray by her bed and opens the windows so fresh air is getting inside. Blair is still sleeping.

"Ok" – He sighs and sits on the bed. – "From all the people I know, you were the most vivid one. Sleeping till noon? Even Nate in his glorious high school days was up before 11." – He nudges her but she makes an annoyed sound. – "Come on Blair, I'm annoyed, I waited and waited for you to get up so I can see Paris with someone who knows it perfectly." – She opens her eyes with the last sentence.

"Isn't Serena with you?" – She asks.

"Why on earth, would Serena be with me?" – He says with mockery tone.

"Why wouldn't she be?" –Blair's voice is sleepy.

"I don't know how to answer this, but your question is dumb. I brought you breakfast. Eat it, do your morning routine and I need to be taken out, Waldorf!" – He smiles at her and he can swear she brightens up a little bit.

She lifts her body lazily up so she can sit in her bed, takes the bowl and starts eating. She takes tiny bites and without appetite, but she eats at least.

"Who told you I was here?" – She asks.

"Serena." – He stands up to close the window. French chanson can be heard from far and when he closes the window the sound is gone. – "Why didn't you tell me?"

"That I was here?" – She asks. – "Nobody knew."

"No, I meant, that you got divorced and that Serena asked you…" – He looks at her as he comes closer to her bed.

"I…well..."

"You know she wouldn't do the same for you. For a Waldorf, you are pretty naïve!" – He says and Blair has no argument to fight back. – "You could have said anything, but that you wanted to fight for your marriage." – She takes a sip from her juice and says nothing. – "It really hurt me, you know. But what pissed me off, was that you did it to satisfy Serena's selfish urges. If I'm single it does not make me available for Serena." – He sits on the edge of her bed.

"It made you once. " – Blair adds and although it's irritating he knows she is getting back to her old self. – "You know, when you cheated on me, after I run stupidly after Chuck... Serena was always getting what she wanted with just few sentences and long heartbreaking blinks. It will always be that way."

"I know"

"Good." – She puts the tray on the night stand. – "What were you doing this whole time?"

"I rent a cottage in a small town upstate. It had a great view on this pond. I was writing and…" – Blair sighs and rolls her eyes.

"You are so irritatingly predictable. Watching so many movies will burn your brain, Humphrey and you can become a sociopath. And the fact that you don't look like Depp and you have that thing growing on your head isn't helping you." – In other circumstances he would smiled, but now he just stares at her with a serious face. – "I'm sorry" – She adds and looks away.

"That's it!" – He says and removes a bit aggressively the duvet that is covering her legs. – "Get up!" – She is confused but she has no chance to even ask why he freaks out. – "You never apologize when you are insulting me, get your shower I'm taking you out. You've been here for too long, you're going insane. " – Before she knows, he is lifting her above his shoulder and takes her to the bathroom and puts her down. – "You have 20 minutes." – He smiles and closes the door.

She can't remember when the last time she actually felt alive was.

….

Half an hour later, they are getting downstairs from her father's penthouse.

"Wow, you didn't even complain there is no elevator. Was that the reason that you didn't go out so far?" – He teases her.

"I'm depressed Humphrey, and even a doctor confirmed that. You are here now, I'll take you out, but when you'll go, I'm gonna go back to my bed again and it will continue…" – She says calmly as if she accepted her destiny, something that her old self would never let happen. He shuts up for a while and it's when he notices she wears jeans, flat boots and a simple blazer. Her hair is wavy a bit and she wears very light make-up.

As they are walking on the narrow pavement, Dan wraps his arm around hers which is shoved in her blazer pockets.

"I really thought you and Serena…"

"Well, you are stupid, what can I say…" – He cuts her sentence.

They keep walking in silence, with linked arms, walking by the old Parisian buildings on the narrow streets, feeling Paris pulsing around them.

"I thought you'd figure it out earlier" – She says. – "My psychiatrist says that my depression was caused by two divorces in such short time. But I'll add on that the fact that I was forgotten by the people I cared about." – She says not looking at him, pulling him to keep walking as he slows down his pace. – "I thought…I hoped you would have come over months ago…Dan."

tbc


	6. Chapter 6

**_A/N Ok, this is quite short, but I've tried many times to proceed this chapter and I was like "No". I think it's quite calm yet sweet. Also, thank you so much for reading and reviewing it, it really really means a lot to me. Thank you!_**

* * *

They are spending the afternoon walking down the old and narrow Paris streets. The conversation is practically absent, but they don't feel uncomfortable. If she speaks, she tells him about the history of a certain building or a bridge, and he just nods.

When she says she's tired he doesn't protest although he loves, no he worships their walk spiced up with her art history knowledge.

…

"Roman and I are going to spend the holidays in Cannes and Nice. We begged her to come with us but of course, how can you talk Blair into something." – Harold tells him the following morning. – "But now with you here and Dorota on her way back home…" – He takes a sip from his coffee and flips another page of Le Monde. – "I feel very comfortable to let her all alone in Paris."

Dan is quiet. He absorbs her father's words and doesn't answer. When the next day the penthouse is empty, after Harold and Roman leave it, he finally realizes that he is all alone there with Blair. It's been years since the last time he was all alone with her, but he isn't nervous. There aren't nasty thoughts in his head, he just…likes the calm feeling caused by the fact that he's actually there.

….

It's Christmas Eve. Paris is arrogantly gorgeous. Of course the previous two days they went out for a while but it was absolutely out of question to even get near by the famous tourist places, because "I'm depressed and my hate for bubbly and happy tourist faces is twice as bigger than usual, so Humphrey no. Not during the holidays."

The penthouse is tastefully decorated, quite warmer than her New York home as she says. They order pizza and Dan makes pasta and pop corn and she opens wine. But no, it's not a fancy holiday eve. She wears comfortable pajamas and a sweater above the top, socks that are almost knee high and Dan wears his usual plaid shirt and jeans. There is for sure no expensive makeup or jewelry on her face and neck as usual.

"I don't even feel it's Christmas" – She says.

"Well…" – Dan places the dishes on the table in the living room. – "We are both kind of dressed in not very flattery outfits." – She looks at him and he is already prepared for a storm.

"For the first time I'm worse dressed than you" – They both smile.

They eat and watch TV and drink a bit wine, but the mood to stay up and wait for Christmas is on a low level. There is no holiday spirit at all and they are both sleepy. Somehow they move to Blair's room and at first he sits on the edge of the bed while she picks a movie to make them even sleepier. He lies below her feel until she tells him to just lie next to her and turn of the light. There is nothing sexual in that. This time, the things are going the other way around. There wasn't a kiss at all since the first day he arrived in Paris. It was just a quiet confirmation that he came there for her and that was it. There weren't big talks, arguments, "I told you so-s". It just continued like it never stopped. They are friends-couple-intellectual snobs-soul mates and nothing else is necessary to confirm that fact.

Somewhere in the middle of the night, drunken voices are waking him up and he sees that they are tangled in her bed between her duvet and the sheets so he raises up and carefully slithers under it. It's natural, she nests herself into his chest while sleeping and he carefully slides his arm under the pillow and lets his hand rest on her temple. The other one is around her waist and immediately he feels warmer and safe…if it's not stupid to say for a guy that he feels safe sleeping next to the love of his life. He closes his eyes and the voices from outside simply fade away. Their in synch breathing is the only thing that can be heard in the room.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Yes, I'm a bit lazy, and each time when i have the chapter in my head my hands are heavy and I feel lazy to start the new chapter. Anyway, a little spoiler alert. There is a tiny part I "borrowed" from The Holiday (I'm in love with the movie and I do think it kind of fits well for Blair...what you are about to read). Hope you like it. :D**

* * *

She wakes up unusually early, before seven in the morning. He sleeps next to her, with his shrunken arm around her hip. She removes slowly it and sits up in the bed, resting her back on the pillows. The sky outside is gray and she can see a few snowflakes falling down. It is time for snow she thinks and wonders if back home there are at least a few feet.

Something is weird, she thinks. She can't say what, but something seems different. And then she realizes:

"I'm ok" – She says out loud and Dan lazily opens his eyes.

"What time it is?" – He asks with a sleepy voice.

"Go back to sleep, I'm thinking out loud" – She actually smiles a bit. Although his face seems tired and sleepy he still looks at her. – "I was just thinking…You know, I haven't have woken up this early since…well not at all since I came here and now I'm just well rested and I don't feel…empty." – She smiles a little more. He observes her for few long seconds, and then adjusts his pillow under his shoulder.

"Could it possibly be because of me?" – He dares to ask.

"It could Humphrey. You are too chatty fro six in the morning" – She tries to look and sound serious.

"_I_ am?" – He raises his eyebrows. – "You just snapped a whole president speech out loud…" – She opens her mouth to reply – "Ok, I know" – He smiles. – "You aren't about to get up right now, are you?" – He asks.

"No" – She pulls the duvet higher. – "Thank you for being here and being a friend in the true meaning of the word."

They remain quiet for a while, and just when she thinks he fell asleep again he continues:

"You know what seems to be your problem? And I wanted to tell you this since that day you were pouting in the hallway because Eleanor replaced you with Serena on the photo shoot"

She looks at him with disbelief mixed with curiosity. – "You are not the leading star in your own life Blair. You wanted to think you were, but once Serena or maybe even Chuck, were in the picture you were willingly letting them have their names first in the credits." – She doesn't say anything and he fears that he picked a nerve by saying that. But he still continues – "It's wrong on so many levels, not just alphabetically."

The silence after his words is so heavy he already curses himself mentally for opening his mouth at all.

"I've talked to a very respectable psychiatrist…" – She finally speaks. – "And she didn't even knew how to put it all in such a simple way. You're right. Not that I didn't know it…but it is so well said and…you're right" – She sighs and repeats again.

"I hope…I didn't insult you" – He looks at her, but her eyes are glued on the wall in front of her.

"No" – She faces him. – "I've been forced to believe that Serena…or Chuck had to have the pedestal whenever they were with me as if I were obliged to treat them like that. I cared about them more than they deserved. But you're right."

She slides and lies down again and he puts his arm over he stomach.

"But, I was the leading character in your book, I guess it was enough to piss certain people off" – She smiles while putting her hand over his.

"Also…" – He continues. – "Serena was always aware of you, your intelligence, your influence and I believe she was afraid of you most of the time…her only way to pay you back for you being who you are were…well you already know"

There are no words that she can think of in that moment to reply. She just nods very lightly and wants to tell him that he matured in the passed year. But she doesn't say anything…

….

When she wakes up again it's almost noon. Dan isn't in bed and she takes her time to wake up properly. It is snowing heavily now and she just stares through the window letting her thoughts drift away.

_You are the star of Dan's book. _

_Just say it, that you like Dan…_

_You and Humphrey? We all had a Brooklyn phase…_

How many times she had to simply swallow her pretentiously stupid friends and boyfriend's opinion about Dan. She is completely aware that she fell for Humphrey long before she even knew she began to understand his appeal, and that she fought as much as she could to make him want Serena again.

The same Serena that was almost having sex with other guys in front of him. The same Serena that stole her boyfriend as if it wasn't a big deal. A few tears and everyone must forgive her. People were not making a big deal out of it, oh come on, it's Serena, Nate loves you, and it was one time only…

No, it wasn't. And she had to pretend and shove her illusions about Humphrey deep inside because Serena was the easily crying one, and when Blair hurts someone it's on purpose, it's because she's still mad, it's because she is jealous of Serena, it's because she is insecure, it's because she is frustrated and mean, it's because even her own mother doesn't care about her, she even deserves every insult she gets from Chuck because she stood on the way of the love between the golden boy and girl…God, she is so sick from herself and the fact that she let herself be trapped into something so sick as her friendship with Serena and Chuck…she is kind of over him for a long time now. Serena was always floating above her head to remind her that she will always be a victim of Blair Waldorf's schemes and betrayals…

She lets the tears fall down and she cries so much, feeling all the pain getting out of her. It's probably the first meaningful crying since she came to Paris. Dan is probably out to get them breakfast, so she lets herself sobbing out loud.

When Dan comes back bringing her Americano and bagels in bed he can tell she was crying.

"Is it because I said that?" – He asks. She shakes her head.

"I just became fully aware of every time I was the supporting character in my own life. And I got sick, so I had to get it out of my system." – She sighs and sniffs. – "Americano?" – She smiles and he opens the top of the paper glass.

"No sugar" – He says and puts it in her hand. She takes a sip but it's too hot and she closes her eyes in pain.

"I burned my lips" – She says with painful expression and Dan leans (for the first time after years) and presses a very light and healing kiss.

tbc


	8. Chapter 8

**_A/N Guys maybe this is annoying you, maybe it's too slow, but I don't see them in any other way. They are healing each other the best way they can. Sorry for the slow update._**

* * *

It doesn't last long, because when she opens her eyes he sits before her, looking at her with calm face, still holding her bagel. There was always something about looking at each others eyes. With Humphrey it was always that way. He was absolutely the most talkative person she knew, but when he didn't know what to say to her he was just looking into her eyes, and they both knew that way they were telling each other more than any words, books or any other way. And she hated it most of the time, because when Dan Humphrey was looking directly into his eyes it meant something. There was a period when she was avoiding his gaze because she was afraid of what she might see in them. A very few times she let herself look at him straight into his eyes and he was always looking at her with admiration mixed with love and tenderness.

Today his eyes say "I love you, you know that", "I missed you", "I'm at peace again after kissing you" and she is left speechless. For the first time she is not the object that people (and by people she means Chuck) are looking as if they are hungry beasts. He looks at her like there is no one else, like she's the only girl in the world, and for the first time she is not intimidated, she doesn't hate him for making her feel that way, she doesn't hate and love his vulnerable eyes.

"Still hurts?" – He dares to speak after they observe each others eyes for a while.

"What?" – She asks like woken up from a dream.

"Your lips? From the coffee?" – He rushes to explain.

"Oh" – She touches her lips. She completely forgets that burn. – "I just…"

"Let's not make a big deal out of it, please." – He asks with pleading eyes, a bit scared that she might start her tirade of insults or questions or maybe even changes her mind and he really, really needs her with him, needs their quiet time. She takes the bagel from his hand and puts it on the nightstand besides the coffee. She sits closer to him, as a matter of fact she is inches away from his face. Her hand cups his jaw line and he breathes shallow.

"I love that you are here. You have no idea how much you are good for me" – She almost whispers and he doesn't blink. – "I am myself when you are around and even if we don't have to ramble all the time I feel nice and the silence is not awkward." – She pets his face and then runs her thumb below his eye as she used to do when they were going to bed – a ritual of stroking his face and a trace of her fingertips over his eyes. He lets out a small gasp and smiles to her. – "I need time, ok? And by that I mean I want you near me, as my rock." –He nods in her hand. – "There is no doubt that you and I never stopped being you and I, but now I just need you here. I need to do nothing. With you" – She says.

"Blair"- He puts his hand over her small hand that cups his face. – "I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to rush you at all. I agree on every term you have, as long as I'm with you. Even if you decide to leave one day and run back to Chuck…I will come after you" – She closes her eyes and smiles and just then he realizes how natural and sad her face looks. She shakes her head.

"I'm not running after anyone." – She leans in and kisses him. It's not a French one, it's just a kiss on the lips. When they break the kiss, they still keep their distance as small as possible – "Have I told you really like the shape of your lips?" – She runs her index finger over his lower lip. He smiles and kisses it.

…..

On December 30th she sends him to the nearest supermarket and even though he protests and begs her to come with him, he ends up going alone. When he comes back, the penthouse is semi dark and there are candles all over the place. A bottle of champagne and two crystal glasses are set on the coffee table by the fireplace and quiet jazz is playing in the background.

She walks in from the kitchen, wearing simple black blouse and jeans, her hair naturally combed down.

"We skipped this Valentine's Day, so I thought" – She smiles as he observes the scene a bit confused. – "My dad has a good collection of old movies, we can continue the tradition…" – He starts smiling.

"That's why you sent me there alone?" – It's not even a question, more a conclusion.

"I needed to clean up a bit" – She takes the bags from his hands and takes them to the kitchen. When she comes back he is sitting on the couch by the fireplace, pouring champagne in their glasses. She comes back and sits on the couch, practically nesting into his arms. He puts a glass into her hand and they clink.

"You forgot to put the movie in the dvd player" – He says wryly after they drink their first glass.

"Yeah, well…can we just…"

"Sit like this? I'm fine with that" – He ends her question, putting the glass on the table and rushes to sink his fingers into her hair.

It's another couch, another city, another penthouse, another winter and an early or belated Valentine. Nice and clam one as it should be with them.

"You wanna go to Nice tomorrow? We're too pale, we can use some Cote d'Azure sun" – She mumbles into his chest.

"As long as I'm with you…" – He holds her as they slowly are falling asleep on the couch.

tbc


	9. Chapter 9

Traveling on December 31st isn't never smooth. They have to book train tickets to Nice, because there is not even a seat available on any plane from Paris to anywhere else in the state. Her father tells her to rent a car, but she doesn't drive and Dan for sure doesn't know how to drive to Nice. He says "we'd kill each other if we have to take that long road trip". She kisses his cheek in approval and they decide to go with a train.

Even though Dan thinks she would complain and would criticize the entire trip, she is unusually calm. As a matter of fact he thinks she's totally fine with their seats and the train. Yes, there is a little smile on her lips. They are traveling in business class and there is nothing to complain about, except maybe that they are leaving Paris in 9PM which means they would travel for the next almost eleven hours and are about to spend the New Year's Eve in a train sleeping car.

"You don't mind it?" – He asks her.

"It's really not a big deal. And it would be nice for once to spend the New Year's in a completely different way. No gowns, no make up…"

Since it's a night travel, they have tickets for a sleeping car. It's pretty narrow, but clean and they have everything they need – clean sheets, blankets, pillows. Dan lies down on the bottom bed and she hops on the top one. The rhythmical sound of the train doesn't help them fall asleep so they talk.

"What time it is?" – She asks.

"Almost eleven" – Dan mumbles.

"Great" – And he knows she is already a bit pissed off.

"We can walk through the train, maybe there are people actually having a party, what you say?"

"No, it's ok…"

They are getting silent again. Few long moments later she says.

"Don't you miss New York?"

"No. Do you?"

"At times."

"Well, call it a cliché, but you are the New York I need. Maybe I'll get annoyed from France and Europe, and I'll crave Brooklyn and New York accents, but for now…"

"When did you give up Serena?" – She snaps.

"Do we have to mention her?"

"I'm just asking" – She mumbles with her face half in the pillow. He takes a sharp breath.

"In "W" I guess. I mean, I was hardly even thinking about her. You were constantly there, annoying me…" – She already knows this, he thinks. But he knows that when Blair wants to say something, he has to start the topic and open his cards first. It gives her the feeling that she won't be the only one embarrassing herself. And he doesn't care, as long as he can do something for her.

"You know…After I married Chuck…I cried my eyes out that night. There wasn't even a proper first wedding night." – A light chuckle comes out of her mouth. – "It was the very first time I knew I fucked it up with you" – He sits up in his bed, trying to process the brand new information. He knew she wasn't happy with Chuck, but he never thought the initial root of that was him personally.

"I tried to write a sequel to Inside. You know…just for me, where the damn Dylan Hunter actually gets the girl and they get married, having a beautiful baby girl. And just from selfish reasons I wrote that the girl looks so much like Dylan, of course with Clair's mannerisms and dictator habits. I came to the middle with the writing and I realized…People don't like smooth written novels. Then I remembered that I will never publish it, so I kept writing the chapters whenever I felt miserable or lonely"- As he speaks, he can see her legs swinging down and she jumps down from the bunk bed. Before he knows she straddles him. Of course he welcomes her when she kisses him, but he isn't sure where it leads.

"Here?" – He manages to whisper in between kisses.

"Yes"

"But…"

"You think the elevator was more discreet?" – She giggles. And he gives in. They kiss a lot. A lot. He takes of her top pajama first and starts kissing her torso, her neck, her lips and she does the same with his black v-neck t- shirt. It's dark in the sleeping car, just occasionally the railroad lights are enlightening their bodies. It's a calm and pretty emotional love making, just as it should be when you go back with the love of your life after more than long time. He holds her firmly in his arms, she has her legs around his waist and they aren't loud. Just a few quiet sighs and moans that are escaping their mouths are killing the silence and the sound of the train. She doesn't remember when was the last time she felt so free and so connected at the same time. Dan keeps looking at her as if she is the source of light on this world.

"Happy New Year" – She whispers.

"With this start, it really is. Happy New Year to you too" – He whispers, kissing her while still making love to her.

….

When Blair wakes up, it's almost dawn. The bed is too small for them, but Dan is holding her so firmly she actually doesn't even notice that she might fell down on the floor. It may not be too comfortable for the two of them, but she has no intention to go back in her bed. His face is calm, his lips spread a bit and she can feel his breath rhythmically coming out. She smiles and gently traces a finger on his lower lip.

"Let's make that sequel real" – She whispers.


End file.
